Jesse’s TNA Impact Review from March 31, 2011!

This entry is part [part not set] of 21 in the series Jesse's TNA Reviews

TNA IMPACT
MARCH 31 2011 (TAPED MARCH 16.)
ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV
REPORT BY JESSE DAVIS, PARTS UNKNOWN PRESS

Commentators: Mike Tenay, Taz

We start off with a video package showing Anderson getting screwed over by Sting in a contenders match, and they brawled backstage.

Mr. Anderson comes out and drags Earl Hebner with him, he brings Earl in the ring, he yells at Earl for screwing him last week, and he should be fighting Sting at Lockdown, and then Earl yells back at him, says he won’t reverse the decision, calls Ken an asshole, Ken almost hits the Mic Check until Brian Hebner makes the save! Ken threatens to hurt him until Sting runs in to brawl with Ken! Then out comes RVD! He wants Anderson in the Lockdown match, Earl says he doesn’t have the power to reverse the decision, so out come Bischoff and Hogan, “That’s the RVD I brought into TNA brother, giving people what they want”-Hulk Hogan. Hogan makes it official and puts Anderson in at Lockdown, Bischoff then says he has a better idea for the network, who want ratings, and we need ratings (fuck sake), and he books Sting, RVD and Anderson Vs Abyss, Matt Hardy and Bully Ray in a Cage Match tonight, can they coexist?!!?! Surely they can because Sting and Anderson just got pulled apart from a brawl again!

Then we get backstage promos from Anderson, who is all mad because he gets screwed every week because he’s that babyface who hates authority! Well, I guess he’s a face, RVD is calm and cool, and Sting is being Sting.

We get a backstage promo from FUCKING SHANNON MOORE TALKING SHIT TO SCOTT STEINER, SAYING STEINER AND HIS HEADCHAIN ISN’T HIP AND COOL AND ISN’T THE NEW GENERATION, BUT SHANNON MOORE IS HIP AND COOL, FUCK. OFF.

Steiner cuts a promo, calling Moore a son of a bitch, and says he’s gonna kick his ass, and Crimson was behind Steiner just chilling.

Eric Young and Orlando Jordan are here to join commentary for Steiner Vs Moore, god.

Scott Steiner Vs Shannon Moore

EY is on commentary during Steiner’s entrance making an announcement of a 4-way tag at Lockdown between, Ink Inc, EY and OJ, Steiner and Crimson and a mystery team, joy, that’s how you build a match for your PPV. While this is happening, EY keeps mentioning these random ass teams that could be the mystery opponents, like the Beverly Brothers, Taz mentions the Texas Hangmen, Shannon Moore is getting offense in, and I hate it. Steiner is killing him again, thank god. Steiner wins with the FRANKENSTEINER HELL YEAH! LET’S GO, FUCK SHANNON MOORE AND FUCK INK INC.

WINNER: Scott Steiner (4:30)

EY and OJ leave the booth, Steiner flips them off, AND THEN DOUG WILLIAMS AND MAGNUS ATTACK EY AND OJ, COULD THEY BE THE MYSTERY?!?!

Mr. Anderson was shown literally talking to himself because he’s on the Lockdown poster, he was talking to a poster

Jeff and Karen are going on about some plan, it’s probably about Kurt, I don’t know, too many damn segments

A video promo HYPING UP A SINGLES MATCH BETWEEN GENERATION ME, MY GOD, AEW, “what you did at Victory Road, it made mom and dad sick to their stomachs!”-Max Buck

Max Buck Vs Jeremy Buck

Max wants Jeremy to lay down, but he won’t! This has been solid so far, Jeremy wanted to show respect but Max is a dick! Jeremy hurt his elbow, Max Buck wins with a top rope springboard cutter, that was fine for what it was, Max is the better brother!

WINNER: Max Buck (4:01)

Roode, Storm and Kaz arrive at the arena, Angelina is getting brainwashed by Winter some more, Winter is trying to protect Angelina from Velvet.

Velvet Sky Vs Winter

Taz was being all horny on main here, he wants to let the pigeons loose every time Velvet Sky shows up. After a few minutes, Angelina is slowly walking down the ramp, very menacingly, Winter taps Velvet out, while Angelina is on the stage, staring into space, Winter attacks Velvet post-match, Angelina stares and does nothing.

WINNER: Winter (4:04)

Anderson comes out, calls out Sting, Sting wanted an apology earlier, but Anderson almost did it, but they brawl again! They brawl into the crowd with Sting getting the advantage, Anderson and Sting sure can’t coexist for tonight, but can they coexist with RVD instead of each other? If they can even make it to tonight’s main event that is, damn. Now, Bully, Abyss and Hardy attack Sting and Anderson while they were brawling, joy. Bully Ray was beating the shit out of Sting with a mic, until RVD helped Sting from Bully Ray, and then he leaves and doesn’t help Anderson, am I supposed to feel bad for Anderson? He is an asshole after all. Abyss and Hardy throw a beaten-down Anderson into the ring with Sting, just so Sting can punch him, and he scares Abyss and Hardy away. That was a lot for a brawl.

Jeff and Karen were plotting something, probably over Kurt, Kurt’s in action against someone, Flair, Abyss, Bully and Hardy are backstage talking about Sting, Anderson and RVD basically.

Angle calls out Jarrett, says he’s sick of the games Jarrett is playing, he can’t wait until Lockdown, he wants him now, out comes Jarrett and Rob Terry, well this is a match now I think, Kurt wrestling in street clothes against Rob Terry.

Kurt Angle Vs Rob Terry

Rob Terry did a powerslam, Angle reversed one into an Ankle Lock, and Terry tapped, that was it.

WINNER: Kurt Angle (1:37)

Angle and Jarrett brawl backstage, Jarrett runs away, and then Angle looks for him, only to go outside, near Karen and he gets arrested, man, this feud is….yeah.

Beer Money and Kaz want to help Sting against Immortal because RVD and Anderson sure won’t do it, so they feel they need to.

Man, Jarrett/Angle really was over Kurt being a bad husband, because this video package shown, shows that.

After what felt like a good ten minutes of this PPV-esque video package for Angle/Jarrett, it is time for your main event!

Steel Cage Match: Immortal (Bully Ray & Matt Hardy & Abyss (w/Ric Flair)) Vs Sting & Mr. Anderson & RVD

Sting and Van Dam got in there, fighting with everyone, but Anderson stays out, is Anderson a heel, face or TNA”s Stone Cold, where it doesn’t matter. Anderson is sitting outside the cage just watching his partners, that are also his rivals because he can’t coexist (is this WWE?) get beat up, and here comes Hogan with a back brace on, he tells Anderson to get in the cage! Anderson refuses, so Hogan punches him, and throws him into the cage and then throws him inside the cage! Sting has gotten his ass kicked mostly, this is one of those cage matches where you tag in, even though it mostly hasn’t been that at all! I never understood why you have a traditional tag match, inside a cage, where you do normal tags, shouldn’t it be anything goes?!?! shouldn’t it be tornado?!! I don’t get it. Van Dam got the tag, got some offense in, until Anderson pushes him off of the top rope, Bully hits the Alabama Hot Pocket for the win, Immortal won, that was fine.

WINNERS: Immortal (13:09)

Fortune is here to make the post-match save, they are here to help Sting and RVD! Immortal kicks their ass anyway, Flair locked the door, damn, Immortal did a bloody beatdown, UNTIL DANIELS MAKES HIS RETURN! HE DIVES OFF OF THE TOP OF THE CAGE AND TAKES OUT IMMORTAL! Post-match interviews from Immortal and Fortune, RVD and Anderson brawl backstage to end the show for tonight.

Final thoughts

This was a long one for sure, some stuff on here was fine, but man, I never wanna see Shannon Moore vs Scott Steiner ever again, hell, I’d be good if I never saw Shannon Moore ever again, a lot of segments too.

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