APRIL 28 2011 (TAPED APRIL 20.)
AIRED ON SPIKE TV
REPORT BY JESSE DAVIS, PARTS UNKNOWN PRESS
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Taz
We are back with more IMPACT! From now on, I will be covering 2011 Impact week by week, no more skipping episodes and not writing about them! Let’s get to it!
We start off with a recap of last week, Kurt Angle gave Karen and Jeff a shitty bath, literally, and said he has a mistress for them to meet, that mistress loves pain! Recap of Sting, Hogan, Anderson, RVD and the Network Executive, Hogan hates this, so does Anderson.
We cut the ring and it’s filled with TNA Knockouts…..and women from catering, and the wardrobe apartment… okay. Karen and Jeff come out. Karen has an umbrella over her. Scared of having another shit-bath, probably. Karen brought these women out here to figure out which one of these women is a suspect. Yeah, I’m sure Kurt is gonna choose some lady from catering to kick your ass, okay. The catering lady left, and then Karen said her Taco Tuesday sucked. This is a waste of an angle already. Karen insults the seamstress lady, and then calls Ms. Tessmacher “Ms. Funbags herself”. This is bad. Tessmacher dropped her glasses & bent down, and Jarrett looked disgusted. Good job Jeff.
“Hot and spicy, just like my ex-husband liked them”-Karen Jarrett to Rosita.
Sarita then claims that they are Mexican America, all because Karen is doing this bullshit because it has the word America in it. This segment sucks! Karen and Madison just called Tara a filthy slut. This is horrible television. Karen insults Velvet, she’s the last one here. She said that Velvet is good at laying down, she slaps Jarrett and then a catfight happened until Angelina attacked Velvet. Now we have a match!?!?! Okay whatever, that sucked.
Velvet Sky Vs Angelina Love (w/Winter)
Angelina kicked Velvet’s ass most of the match, Velvet tried to attack Angelina, but she was in this trance and no-sold everything, hit Velvet with a kick. Winter did a crush hand sign, and Angelina tapped Velvet out with this very weak chokehold, that sucked.
WINNER: Angelina Love
Anderson shows up in this sick-looking truck, talks about how he loves it, and it’s good to live the life of an asshole. Then he mentions he wants his title shot!
Matt Morgan is backstage looking for Steiner while talking about being TNA World Champion, and Steiner is blocking him from doing that.
Anarquia (w/Mexican America) Vs Chris Sabin
Anarquia has the singlet top of Diesel and the shorts of an indy wrestler from 2007, christ. Sabin went from a springboard, landed badly on his knee. Anarquia rolled Sabin up for the win, wow! Shelley came out to make the save to an injured Sabin.
Steiner cut a backstage promo in typical Steiner fashion, talking crap about Matt Morgan. Morgan finds him behind a curtain, and they brawl. Morgan Irish Whipped Steiner into a table, and it just kinda fell. He then threw Steiner into a fridge and stood tall. Steiner’s selling here was funny. That made this angle good.
Sting is in the parking lot with his bat! He sees Anderson’s truck, and he has to take his jacket off first in order to swing a bat, and he bashes Anderson’s truck windows! What a dick! But, Anderson’s an asshole so he kinda deserves it. Then Sting put his jacket back on, took a swig of water, had second thoughts, took his jacket off again, just to climb the truck and smash the windshield! Good segment.
TNA Television Championship: Gunner (c) Vs Christopher Daniels
Well, that wasn’t awful. Daniels did some good work, Gunner was about as boring as usual. Daniels went for the BME, he missed, Gunner threw him into the turnbuckle post, he hit his finisher. Some Burning Hammer thing I guess, I don’t know, and he retains the title. That was fine, mainly because it was Daniels.
Sting comes out here, says he’s sorry to whoever’s truck that was, hah! He calls Anderson out, Anderson comes out. His first thing is asking Sting if he smashed the windows in his truck. Sting keeps saying NO! This is brilliant! Sting finally says yes, and then Anderson just says he’ll get them replaced. Then he calls Sting “biatch” because that was cool in 2011 apparently.
Anderson said Sting has the authority from the Network that he can pick his opponents, and so RVD comes out, says Sting can do what he wants. He mentions that the Network wants ratings, so he isn’t getting taken out of the match at Sacrifice. Anderson teases at Sting, Sting says let’s do it tonight, so HOGAN comes out, and he says Sting wants a fight, he’ll get it, it’s gonna be a three-way. Sting has authority but so does Hogan! Hogan adds Bully Ray to the three-way tonight. That should be fun.
Samoa Joe cuts a promo on Crimson, talks about how his undefeated streak can never compare to his.
Crimson Vs Samoa Joe
This was a good match for what it was. Crimson hit a sick Exploder Suplex onto Joe, then they went to the outside. Abyss interfered and attacked Crimson, Crimson wins by DQ. Abyss continues to attack Crimson, and Joe just goes “eh, goodbye” and leaves, Abyss and his shit theme song (not the good one) beat down Crimson.
WINNER: Crimson by DQ
Anderson was backstage, saying he wanted a 1v1 match against Sting, but he’ll take this three-way. Angle is backstage, saying that Karen made a fool out of herself by terrorizing the women (and the viewers having to watch that garbage). Angle says his partner will be here next week!
Mickie James came out to do a promo dedicating her victory to the fans, that’s it.
Bully Ray is talking to Abyss in a closed-door locker room. We’re looking through the blinds of this room. Bully says that Bully Ray as World Champion would piss the wrestling world off. You’re right, Bully.
TNA World Heavyweight Championship: Mr. Anderson Vs Sting (c) vs Bully Ray
Sting went straight for Anderson until Bully attacked Sting. Then later, Anderson and Sting fought again. Anderson tried to pin Sting early until Bully dragged Anderson off Sting, then Bully and Anderson punched each other. Bully and Anderson fought some more. Bully hit an elbow and Anderson just kinda fell like he shoot got knocked out. Sting has been down in the ring during all of this. REF BUMP! Sting went for the Stinger Splash, Bully pulled Earl and Sting hit Earl. Bully beat down Sting and hit him with a pipe until AJ Styles interfered and attacked him. Sting used the pipe to hit Bully after AJ left, Brian Hebner ran in to count the pin, Sting retains! That was fine.
WINNER: And still TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Sting
Post-show interviews from Bully Ray, AJ Styles and Beer Money. Scott Steiner burying Matt Morgan, Jeff and Karen being mad and scared at who Kurt has in mind for next week, and Velvet Sky being mad at life. That’s all of the show for this week!
Well, besides the opener, which was a fucking buzzkill in a million, the rest of the show was fine. I’m always a mark for whatever Sting and Anderson do on these shows. Bully Ray is slowly getting into his form as a solid singles heel, Anarquia is Anarquia, Daniels has been made to look like a total geek since he came back. That’s pretty much all she wrote.
Introducing a new section of the reviews: Observer notes of the week!
“TNA has requested a trademark on the term “Impact Wrestling,” which at this point will be the term pushed in the upcoming marketing campaign” And so it begins…
Rumors regarding Dixie and Janice Carter, Dixie still calls the shots, but Janice Carter deals with the financials, all because Honky Tonk Man said Janice took over fully.
Jay Lethal was released from TNA after the Lockdown PPV.