MAY 12 2011 (TAPED MAY 3.)
AIRED ON SPIKE TV
REPORT BY JESSE DAVIS, PARTS UNKNOWN PRESS
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Taz
We start off with Hulk Hogan in the parking lot with a pipe! Bischoff shows up, says what is Hogan doing, Hogan says he’s waiting for the Network Rep, Bischoff says this is not the time for a pipe, Bischoff says he and Hogan need to outthink the Network, not beat them with a pipe, they walk away.
We get a recap package of the whole Karen, Jeff, Kurt and Velvet stuff from last week, oh and more NETWORK RECAPS! Could it be Flair!?!? Find out tonight! Is it Goldberg?!?!?!
Out come Jeff and Karen, and they wanna call a TRUCE, 3 Days before Sacrifice, Jarrett says he’s VERY sincere this time! Yeah, right. Jeff says it’s a crime for Kurt and his “mistress” to fight Karen, now Karen is on the mic and being all sympathetic, of course. Kurt is out here, and the truce didn’t’ get accepted, hah! Kurt doesn’t even know why he even married Karen! Kurt says Karen is gonna take every penny Jeff has, well, ten years later, they are still a thing, oh and the NETWORK wants to give Kurt’s partner a special introduction later, and Kurt says Jeff knows who she is! WOW!
Tara & Madison Rayne Vs Mickie James & Ms. Tessmacher
Tara and Mickie start the match, did a cool double dropkick sequence, Madison is pissed, they shook hands, then Tara tagged in Madison, I like that. Tessmacher beat Madison with a rollup, that was nothing.
WINNERS: Ms. Tessmacher and Mickie James (2:15)
We cut to Ric Flair walking through the hallway woo’ing, and he enters Hogan and Bischoff’s office, Hogan blames him for the being The Network, and he isn’t he was rehabbing a shoulder! Hogan apologies for blaming Flair, they gotta get back on the same page.
Tara was talking shit about Madison to a camera, Madison heard it all, whatever.
The camera man wants to know why Dreamer did what he did, he says he has a personal life, and some things happen after the show, AJ shows up out of a locker room, wants to know why Dreamer turned on him, Dreamer says he’s too innocent and he’ll never understand, and it’s not about EV2.0 either, AJ issues a challenge for Sacrifice, “What would Tommy Dreamer do?” Walk away from a fight apparently.
A Sting photoshoot and interview, says he has his hands full, praises RVD, and he says the executive is here, and it will be showtime!
A nice little Beer Money vignette praising them, and then talking about Matt Hardy and his mystery partner, “will Matt keep it in the family? Or will he find someone who is ready to make an IMPACT?”
Out come Beer Money to the ring, Roode says Matt is gonna bring someone special, and he already knows who it is, so he calls Matt out. Matt comes out, he congratulates Roode for growing a pair of balls last week, Matt says seeing James Storm drink beer makes him sick. Matt just insults Beer Money for a couple minutes. Storm gets on the mic, says Matt disrespects everyone, Matt says James Storm is nothing more than an alcoholic that is full of hot air, well, Matt, that kinda applied to you at this point.
Beer Money get out of the ring to fight Hardy, James Storm just said he would steal Matt Hardy’s girlfriend, and bring Matt home with him,, so Matt could watch Storm and his girlfriend get it on, alright then. Matt says it’s not Jeff, and Matt’s partner is…….CHRIS HARRIS AND HOLY SHIT THIS STARE DOWN BETWEEN HIM AND STORM IS HILARIOUS~! My god, what a flop this was.
Sangriento Vs Suicide
This wasn’t anything special, it happened last week, same result both weeks, Sangriento won.
WINNER: Sangriento (3:35)
Hogan, Flair and Bischoff walk to ring, Suicide is still in the ring, thriving in pain, and then Flair kicks him in the balls! None of these guys look like they wanna be here, especially Bischoff. Hogan wants the Network executive to come out here, we go to commercial, then Jeff and Karen are out here when we get back from break, Hogan says he runs this place, and OUT COMES MICK FOLEY, great. Mick Foley is the executive! Woo! All of this shit just for Mick Foley! Foley pushed Bischoff, said Hogan could punch him, but he’d be gone, then Foley says this company is about wrestling, AND WRESTLING MATTERS, if it mattered then why are the matches less than 5 minutes each week.
Foley mentions old school moments and that’s when wrestling mattered, and then he kills TNA and makes it IMPACT! Wow! Foley says we have a new main event, a 25 Man Battle Royal for the Number One Contendership for the TNA World Title! I assume the winner gets a shot after Sacrifice. Foley then brings out Angle’s mystery partner, and IT’S CHYNA! JARRETT AND KAREN GO MAD! Why was this in the middle of your show, because Russo.
We cut to Foley and Chyna backstage, Foley is happy that he’s in a company where wrestling matters (spoiler: none of this fucking matters next week). Foley wanted Hogan to punch him, so he could fire them three, but nope! We cut to Mr. Anderson, who says he’s been saying that wrestling matters for a while now, and Mick has been the one holding him back, I’m already sick of this Wrestling Matters tagline.
Abyss Vs Crimson Vs Samoa Joe
This is the first match you do after you have Mick Foley say that wrestling matters, but I doubt this match mattered to anybody. Crimson wins after Abyss hit a Black Hole Slam on Joe, Crimson speared Abyss, and he just pinned Joe clean, see, none of this matters. Abyss attacks Crimson after and Joe just leaves again.
WINNER: Crimson by pinfall (2:25)
RVD is backstage saying he has a front row seat for the battle royal, he’s also fighting Sting but you wouldn’t know that because they haven’t done much with building this up.
25 Man Battle Royal to be Number 1 Contender for the TNA Title
First two eliminations are Doug Williams and Magnus, both eliminated by Matt Morgan, Third elimination is Orlando Jordan, eliminated by Matt Morgan, after Jordan was rubbing on him, so Morgan choked him out and eliminated him. Fourth elimination is Anarquia! Eliminated by, you guessed it, Matt Morgan! Goodness. Eric Young finally enters the match, just to run the ropes and get beat up by Jarrett. Fifth elimination is Jesse Neal, eliminated by Hernandez! Sixth elimination is Shannon Moore, Hernandez throws Moore onto Neal for the elimination. Seventh elimination is Robbie E, eliminated by fucking Matt Morgan again! Eighth elimination is Gunner!
Eric Young eliminates him! Ninth elimination is Eric Young, eliminating himself by jumping over the ropes a few times and then landing on the floor. Eric Young thinks he won the TV Title, Gunner gets up and chases him. Tenth elimination is Kazarian, eliminated by Jeff Jarrett, seems like Kazarian fucked up his knee here too. Eleventh and Twelfth eliminations are Matt Hardy and James Storm, they eliminated each other at the same time. Storm and Hardy continue brawling on the outside. Thirteenth elimination is Bobby Roode, eliminated by Matt Hardy who was already eliminated, Roode is PISSED. Mick Foley has joined us on commentary here, and the first thing he says that wrestling does matter, I’m sick of this. Fourteenth elimination is Christopher Daniels, eliminated by Bully Ray.
Fifteenth elimination is Hernandez, eliminated by Matt Morgan, who is the sixteenth elimination, eliminated by Scott Steiner, who is the seventeenth elimination because Morgan pulls Steiner’s arm Hogan style, then Bully Ray eliminates him! Eighteenth elimination is Devon, eliminated by The Pope. Nineteenth elimination is The Pope,, eliminated by Kurt Angle, wrestling matters btw. Twentieth elimination is AJ Styles, eliminated by Tommy Dreamer, because of course. Twenty first elimination is Tommy Dreamer and we are down to the final 4, Kurt Angle, Mr. Anderson, Jeff Jarrett and Bully Ray.
Jarrett eliminates Angle, Jarrett thinks he won, but he didn’t! Anderson and Bully went through the middle rope and they are both on the outside. Chyna enters the ring and she THROWS Jarrett over the top rope! Final two are Bully Ray and Mr. Anderson! Anderson eliminates Bully Ray! Anderson finally gets another shot! Mr. Anderson gets on the mic, says that just like the Navy Seals to Bin Laden, he’s locked, loaded and ready to freaking go, love that. “Boom! Headshot, bitch!”-Mr. Anderson to Sting.
WINNER: Mr. Anderson (28:10), Most Eliminations: Matt Morgan, 6 eliminations
We end the show with a backstage promo between Sting, RVD and Anderson.
Man. this Wrestling Matters shit is overdone already, god, and too many talking segments this week, lord, somehow better than last weeks though.
WON/F4W Notes from Real Deal JRH
Hey hey, this JRH here dropping by at the end of this review to give you some of the more interesting highlights relating to this episode of IMPACT from The Observer.
Apparently they re-taped the Foley segment because after taping the first time they decided “hey, maybe Foley should shove Bischoff”. The one benefit of doing a mass-taping, I guess.
Also related to that segment, apparently, Chyna was a last-moment replacement for Lindsay Hayward, who was originally going to be in the role until TNA got cold feet. For those who don’t recognise the name, she was Isis The Amazon in a bunch of places, most notably Juggalo Championship Wrestling. She was also originally going to be Vickie Guerrero’s rookie Aloisia on NXT Season 3 before WWE got cold feet due to her erotic photos… cowards!
Hulk Hogan and Sting is currently being planned for the main event at Bound For Glory. Dave doesn’t mention it in The Observer, but Bryan Alvarez mentions in Figure Four Weekly that Hogan said on the radio show this was announced on that he wasn’t gonna take any bumps in that match. Stay tuned to Jesse’s TNA Reviews from 2011 to see how true this shit is.
Kurt Angle has apparently signed on until at least 2015, either with a new deal or an extension to his current deal.