Jesse’s TNA IMPACT! Review from May 5th, 2011

This entry is part [part not set] of 21 in the series Jesse's TNA Reviews

MAY 5 2011 (TAPED MAY 2.)

Commentators: Mike Tenay, Taz

We start off with a recap package from last week, detailing the three-way title match and Hogan hating the Network.

Hogan and Immortal are in the ring, and Sting and RVD run down to the ring and the road agents of D’Lo, Pat Kenney and Al Snow keep them back. Hogan wants to know who the Network is, Sting says he knows a bit, but he isn’t gonna say much, but he does say that next week, she will deal with deal with Hogan! Oh boy! Hogan punches D’Lo Brown, Sting and Van Dam come in to brawl, and Fortune come out to even the odds! They chase Hogan and Immortal out of the ring, Hogan and Immortal run to the stage, then, a RARE ROBERT ROODE~! cuts a promo on Hogan.

He says he’s sick of Hogan talking and he’s had it! He also called him a coward and a son of a bitch! Let’s go Roode! Roode says he has pride and Hogan doesn’t! Wow! Roode says Hogan has never earned anything, Roode says Hogan has raped and stole from the fans, and he ruined people’s lives! Roode is shooting here. Roode mentions that Hogan fired Jay Lethal, mentioning a release on live TV in an angle, joy. Roode says to Hogan that his name is BOBBY ROODE! He’s no longer Robert! He says next week, things are gonna change!

Jeff and Karen knock on a door in anger, and its Velvet Sky with a towel on! They yell at her because Karen still thinks she’s with Angle. Karen says her and Jeff have an offer she can’t refuse, whatever.

The X-Division debut of Sangriento is up next! Oh joy, fun fact, a few months ago, I got this gimmick into a 2011 mod for TEW 2020!

Matt Hardy is backstage, talking about Beer Money, he says he’s gonna call up someone who Roode is very familiar with, and they will challenge Beer Money at Sacrifice. Fucking joysome.

Sangriento Vs Suicide

Well, that was a fine opening match, Sangriento won with a springboard cutter, he got his ass kicked a little bit, the commentators didn’t really care during this, and honestly, I thought some upper midcard/main event guy was going to interfere and squash them both, but nope.

WINNER: Sangriento by pinfall (3.55)

We cut to Hogan and Bischoff all worried about the Network again, Hogan says he’s glad he punched D’Lo. Hogan and Bischoff believe it might be Flair, tension!

A Mexican America Cinco De Mayo celebration, boy the crowd gives no fucks about this at all, but dear god, they got total overboard with the confetti here. Rosita shouts out the Spanish Announce Team, of Hector Guerrero and…Willie Urbina…..oh no…. he has tequila too. Anarquia, the woke icon in 2011, telling off Willie Urbina, says he’s not Mexican, he’s Puerto Rican! Rosita knees Willie right in the balls! Fuck you Willie! Hector is all mad! Anarquia says to Hector if he doesn’t wanna be with them, they will give them a proper American burial….and then Ink Inc come out…..fuck offffffff! These bastards were heels like last month! Fuck OFF! Jesse Neal tells Mexican America to take their green cards and don’t let the door him them on the ass. Fuck off.

Bully Ray & Gunner Vs Christopher Daniels & AJ Styles

We got an Immortal Vs Fortune battle here, folks! Well this was just a typical tag match I guess, AJ was wanting Bully the whole match, but he was just fighting Gunner the whole time, until the end where AJ was about to get hit by Bully with a chain, TOMMY DREAMER comes out here, threatens to fight Bully, but he piledrives AJ instead, and the match ends, what a swerve, I’m so shocked, that was awesome, god that sucked.

NO CONTEST: (4:00)

We cut to Dreamer tearing shit up backstage in agony, Kaz, Daniels and AJ are backstage wondering why he did that, “was it because of EV2.0?” says AJ. Bully is talking to Matt backstage, says Dreamer is doing what he has to do to keep his job or whatever the fuck, this is lame.

We cut to Winter feeding Angelina Love some green pills, this is some weird fucking shit.

Out come Jeff and Karen Jarrett to the ring, Karen calls out Velvet, calls her a skank, says that Velvet is used to laying down, saying Velvet has latched herself to Kurt Angle, yeah whatever. Velvet says she has not done anything with Kurt, she says she would never sleep her way to the top, and now her and Angelina are done, she wants the Knockouts Title, but Karen won’t give it up! She still thinks Velvet is up to no good! Jarrett booked a fucking Handicap Match tonight!

Velvet Vs Angelina Love and Winter, looks like this match is next! Oh wait, here comes Kurt Angle! Jarrett is hiding behind three women, Kurt says he comes in peace, and he promised the Network that he wouldn’t doing anything he’ll regret before the main event tonight, whatever that is. Now the Network made the match being Kurt and Velvet Vs Angelina Love, Jeff Jarrett and Winter, I think. Kurt also said he wants Jeff’s ass on a silver platter.

Bischoff is mad that Kurt Angle can call the Network and make decisions, so here comes Murphy and Rob Terry to try and help Bischoff, but he yells at them too! So now, Bischoff makes Rob Terry Vs Murphy, winner leaves Immortal! WHY!

Rob Terry Vs Murphy

Rob got some offense in, so did Murphy, Murphy got some more offense, and then he lost, Terry won, Murphy is out of Immortal, that’s all, next.

WINNER: Rob Terry via pinfall (3:20)

We cut to Bischoff and Hogan being like “that was baaad”, yeah Bischoff, it was bad, AND YOU FUCKING BOOKED IT! Then they rant about the Network some more because that’s all they fucking do!

Crimson is mad that Joe didn’t help him last week, Joe said he didn’t need help when he was undefeated, and Crimson just tells Joe to stay out of his way.

TNA Knockouts Title Match: Mickie James (c) Vs Miss Tessmacher

Tessmacher literally just accidentally dropped glasses so she could bend down and Earl Hebner could see her ass. That was fine I guess, Mickie wins with the Jumping DDT, cool.

WINNER: Mickie James via pinfall (3:30)

Tara and Madison are out here, yay, more talking segments! Madison wants a rematch, Mickie gives it to her, oh wait, there’s a catch! Mickie wants Madison to put something on the line for the rematch, and Madison will do anything! Mickie says that if she wins, Tara doesn’t have to be with Madison anymore, and Tara is ECSTATIC~! Madison accepts!

Brian Kendrick, Amazing Red, Max and Jeremy Buck waltz backstage looking for Bischoff, saying they are sick of being mistreated, they find Bischoff, they want answers as to why they are sitting on the sidelines, Kendrick is sick of complaining, Bischoff is too, then he says he cares about their careers…just to tell them to grow about a foot and a half, and so it fucking begins, the X-Division burial storyline, god this show sucks.

Kendrick is pissed about that line, and then Bischoff fucking THROWS HIS COFFEE AT KENDRICK AND CALLS THEM SAWED OFF RUNTS, FUCKING HELL! WHAT A WAY TO BURY YOUR FUCKING DIVISION! Bischoff did all this shit because they interrupted his coffee break, this is stupid.

We get a Sting and RVD video package, whatever, just end this show already!

Kurt Angle & Velvet Sky Vs Winter & Angelina Love & Jeff Jarrett

Ah yes, of course TNA copied this from WWE because they did this type of angle with Edge and Kelly Kelly! Velvet pinned Winter, that was fine I guess, wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Kurt congratulates Velvet with the win, says he hopes it leads her to her dreams, now Kurt is announcing the chosen one, that is gonna take out Karen, Kurt says the Chosen One, will be here next week! Oh man.

WINNERS: Kurt Angle and Velvet Sky (8:15)

Hogan and Bischoff are walking backstage, they think Flair might be the Network, then Hogan brings up Russo, who it writing this shit I think, but Bischoff says he’s under a rock shitting skin, then Hogan heads to his car, gets mad, because his car says YOU’RE NEXT! “What do you mean?!?!? Goldberg’s coming!?!?! This is gold, the best part of the show. We end the show with Amazing Red, Brian Kendrick, Max and Jeremy Buck laughing because they fooled Bischoff and Hogan into thinking Goldberg was the Network Executive, LOL.

Final thoughts

Man, this show sucked, the ending angle gave me a laugh but that was it, two weeks until Sacrifice and they only really build up Kurt’s surprise, and the rest of the build is Network Executive stuff implemented into other angles, and they bury the X-Division early, just for them to fool Bischoff and Hogan to end your show, alrighty then, it did give me a laugh.


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